I should be very very happy today, but, deep down my heart, i'm not.

I know that i should neither ask more nor be picky and over-sensitive with issues.

My business company recognised my hardwork for the past few months and that's why they nominated me to be the host (MC) of the event last night, they even went all out to help me to further develop and strengthen my structure. Just based on all that, i should be happy about it. But, i'm not quite happy.

My internal good buddies (Kian Hong, Sumitra, Jun Yang, Aries and Chee Sing) took all effort to come down to give me moral support upon hearing that i have been assigned the task of MC for last night's event, for that, i should be appreciative and thankful for their moral support. Yup, indeed, i'm proud and happy to have them there to see me through the whole session. But, i'm still not overly happy yet.

So what is the lacking factor and what causes me to be so restless even though i managed to do quite well both in my business investment and hosting of the event? What causes me to not feel so happy that i've done not too bad a job in the hosting? Well, people who know me deep well, you might understand why....

I'm neither angry with him for not coming down nor disappointed. I'm not, really! I understand that he got to go for some committments and to see to his own stuff, i really understand. BUt, it is just a little sad that he wasn't there to see me through the whole hosting session. I'm not angry with him nor disappoint, really. It is really just me that is feeling very sad that he wasn't here to see my effort and hardwork, to see me through.

I know i shouldn't be so emotional (sound a little childish, i know), but, if the day you are on stage to present yourself or the day when you are being recognised for your hardwork or the day where you are successful, you would want your most closest brother to be there with you, to see your success, to share the joy with you and to laugh out with you. I'm not very sure whether you will, but for me, i definitely would want to have them all there to share the joy.

But because he got something on, i have no other choice but to still remain high and smile, "Don't worry, just go and do your stuff. Not a prob." As much i wanted him to be there, i have to be rational.

Like what i told Min, he is my closet, indeed, if one day i woke up and to realise that i lost him. My days would just end there on the spot, on the spot. There are many things that i actually wanted to do for him and with him, or just even to let him know, but because of stress factor would roll in, i just hold everything there.

Sounds dishonest, but i just don't want him to get too stress for anything given his own problems. And that's why i won't force anything out of him or to tell him anything that is stressing me so hard so hard until i know how to bring it up. I know i'm wrong to do this, but what are the options available for me to choose except to bring it across when my mind gets better of me.



Yesterday afternoon, we went around for a walk, sort of like window shopping. Before he boarded the bus to go off to attend his next appointment, he told me this," Thanks, take care le. See when free then come out again lor."

My mind nearly went blank, this speech sounds almost killed me on the spot, especially when both of us would land in different univerisity in just a month's time and definitely the time to chat on phone would be lesser (approaching negligible), let alone face to face talk... what if?

HOw i wish....